I Wish I Still Had Scars From You

I wish I still had scars from you.
Because when I remember
how I hurt you,
I want to rip my skin
into shreds of paper
that blow in the wind until I am no more.
I wish I could bleed,
tear at my soul
until nothing exists
but the blood and the bone
of my very being
and I am alone.
It hurts to recall,
a pit in my stomach
growing and absorbing all light and life
until it sits,
gnawing at my heart,
indulging in each beat with relish.
And I’m sorry.
There’s a passive aggressive bone hidden
somewhere within the ribs,
maybe the third one down,
and it poisons my mind.
And I’m sorry.
My blood is ichor,
but the devil’s instead,
and it scorches and twists through veins
until boiling into one unleashed act.
And I’m sorry
that I can’t find the words to express it.
That I have to be rude.
That I pushed you away.
Because I can’t have people close
when I fail to live up to
the expectations
of myself.

Love Discarded

I have issues, this I know.
For my history tells me so.
But you were different, never the worst,
never thinking I was cursed,
or flawed.
Maybe if I still believed in God.

But it’s painful, sometimes,
you and me,
the way we be,
is it heaven or hell
(it hurts so bad I cannot tell).

And I still love you.
Or I think I do, or did;
split apart, god forbid
in hide and seek if I hid,
because you would never search for me.

It’s leaves on the branches in a tree,
our love the breeze,
our bodies dashed on the ground,
broken skeletons of plants dissolved,
so I let you go.

We Hired Ourselves

We hired ourselves,
Young and innocent,
“He reminds me of you.”
True, yes,
but did I have the outlook of a day on fire,
the air poison, no sense of desire
with everything pain?
Did I sit in the silence, mesmerized by rain
and seeing nothing but fall?
I guess I did.
And I wonder if you ever saw me at all.
Because if that’s what I remind you of,
if this kid is me,
then I pity you.
We hired ourselves,
and in him,
I see you.

The City Is Quiet Tonight

The city is quiet tonight.
No noise, no life.
Just starlight
And us,
Two heartbeats in a city
That calls to us,
Beckons us,
Becomes us.
Two souls wandering alone,
Fingers itching to touch,
To hold,
To map out your body,
My own city,
Always quiet, and calm,
No others but us.
The city is beautiful tonight.

I also posted this on my Instagram, and I sometimes post small poems there, too.

2019

2018 was a year of being. That should be said about every year, but sometimes it isn’t. Though I understand more about life than I did a year ago, sometimes I still feel like the little lost teenager starting a new school for the first time, books clutched to my chest, eyes wide at the world. And is that really a bad way to be?
I forget my age, at times. Sometimes I feel seven, joyful and exuberant and enthusiastic about little things. Sometimes I feel fifty, keeping up with slang and talking about work ethic and being professional. Sometimes I feel my age, lost and ready to enjoy the world with all the emotions wrapped with a bow.
2018 allowed me many things. I explored more of the world than I thought I would ever. I visited parts of my home state I’ve never visited, I crossed three states in the span of a week. I met family I thought I would never meet or see again, due to distance or deaths or extenuating circumstances outside my control, and I visited a state that held no interest to me previously but in reality is pretty cool.
2018 brought me a job with people I would have never met or thought I would meet. It brought me friends I never dreamed I would have, and a happiness in being social that I never thought I wanted.
2018 brought a lot of things.
But it is 2019 now, and it’s a new beginning. A brand new start to this thing called life.
I wish I could predict where it will lead me. But what would be the point of the journey?
I will say one thing, though. I am going to continue in this little corner of my universe and write about everything and anything I want to. If it’s daily prompts I finish but don’t share, drabbles that are too long to be considered drabbles, reflections or rambles or anything in between, I will document it in some way. And if you want to join me, I’m okay with that, too.
Let’s make 2019 never forget a single one of us inhabiting this planet we call home.

Love,
Victoria

Travel’s End (Or, How I Ended Up Back Home)

One night in North Carolina. That’s all I spent there, searching and searching for something to do, something that would call my heart to explore, and yet wasn’t too far away from where I was. And that went spectacularly not well. I think a small part of me wanted to be home, in a place I knew, with people I loved.

I drove for a little while in North Carolina before making the decision to attempt South Carolina again. I wanted to see Charleston. I’m not sure why; my decision to see Savannah wasn’t a great call, and that’s because I’m not a history buff or interested in the aspects of these towns. And I drove through Charleston. It was beautiful, but again, I didn’t want to stop.

So I drove through Myrtle Beach. During its off season. When everything is pretty closed. And I drove away.

By seven or so, I was by the Florida border. I was going to stop for the night, I really was. But I didn’t. I knew how far of a drive it was from Jacksonville to home, I knew it wasn’t worth stopping. So I drove straight home. My final day of traveling was pure driving.

I saw some snow at the South Carolina border rest stop, and threw a tiny snowball. And I took a couple pictures, and I spent some time walking around. And I realized I loved nature as much as I hate it. I mean, I truly hate it. Spiders, bugs, lizards, frogs… all of it grosses me out, and keeps me from nature. But the beauty, the trees, the way the light casts, the stillness… that’s what makes me want more.

And I realized I loved being on my own, nothing but a car and a dream. Yes, it got lonely, and sometimes all I wanted to do was call someone and have some human interaction. But I would gladly trade it all in to keep traveling with no worries.

I don’t think I’m ever going to be a world-class traveler. I don’t think I’ll ever truly leave Florida. But I’m not going to stop traveling. I’m not going to stop dreaming. And I’m not going to stop writing about the world as I know it.

Day Unknown

It has been a little while since I have updated, and I wish I had more substantial reasons why. I traveled; it was so nice, on my own, the car and the music and the land the only company I had. And yet I came home, where I sit now, wondering at what steps come next.

I don’t want to give up traveling. I think I know that for a fact, because I loved it. I have never been an adventurous wanderer, but now I itch to explore. Nor do I want to go back to where I was. I have grown from there, and to go back would be to step back in my own life. And I can’t afford to do that. If I want to find myself and my place in this world, I cannot go backwards, no matter if I miss it or not. And I do miss it, in a sense. I miss my coworkers, the kids, everything. But not the stress and not the other aspects.

So I sit here, back at home, trying to find a course of action. Which is why I stepped away for a little while. I had high hopes for this blog, for my adventures, and the idea of not meeting those hopes scared me. But if I allow myself to step away from writing and something that makes me happy, which this does, then what did I learn? So I’m back, and the world wide web is stuck with me, because I’m going to keep posting content here.

Tomorrow, I’ll write more about the ends of my travels, and how I ended up home. And then, I don’t know what I’ll post. Maybe some stories, true and fiction. Maybe some crappy poetry no one wants to read. Or else I’ll continue to ramble on as I attempt to make something of myself in this world. Numbering days is over. From now on, I write without a destination.